Scariest Mommy Moment

Yesterday, I had the scariest mommy moment since my daughter was born almost 20 months ago. Up until this point, the process of giving birth and then leaving the hospital with this tiny being was the most frightened I’ve been. But this was different. This was a fear and feeling of helplessness that I have never experienced in my 30 years.

My daughter woke up at 3am crying, which is strange for how well she’s been sleeping recently. My husband went to check on her and realized she was burning up. We gave her medicine (what we thought was the correct dosage), and she slept again until her normal 6:00am wakeup. The morning was typical; our happy girl was eating, laughing, and playing with her dada. A little later, we gave her the same medicine dosage before my husband left for work and off he went.

My daughter and I were watching Superbowl coverage from the night before. I was still feeling totally high and euphoric from the Patriots’ victory, so it was nice my baby was being extra cuddly and relaxed in my arms. I noticed she started getting warmer over the next few minutes, and then it happened.

She started staring into space, went limp to one side, started convulsing, and making a strange sound. I screamed her name, but she would not look back at me. I ran into the bathroom, stripped her down to her diaper, and threw a cold cloth around her body while frantically calling my husband. I tried to scream the word SEIZURE, but all he heard was “GET HOME NOW”, which was enough for him to immediately get on the road. I called 911 for the first time and tried my best to explain what was happening. My daughter was still convulsing at this time, and I was frantic. I took her outside where the air was cooler because I didn’t know what else to do to try to cool her down.

After several agonizing minutes, my daughter finally started to come back to me at this time. I started to hear the sound of sirens in the distance. She was shivering and crying, but at least she seemed to be a bit more with it. Ambulance, fire trucks, and a petrified husband all got to us at around the same time. I tried my best to explain everything to them: yes, my pregnancy with her was totally normal, no, this had never happened before. yes, we knew she had a little fever. I tried to stay calm but pregnancy hormones and panic were taking over my body and mind.

With all of this happening. I knew that she had a febrile seizure. I had read about it somewhere, so at least I had heard the word before and assumed that is what it was. But I never thought it would happen to my perfectly healthy, perfectly happy daughter.

The rest of the day was a blur. An ambulance ride. Family members visiting us in the ER who were as scared as we were. Doctors explaining what had happened and what to look for in the future. The positive news is that it could potentially be an isolated event because her temperature escalated too quickly. But it could happen again randomly. It does not cause permanent damage to her developing body. It does not mean she is epileptic. We were under-medicating without realizing and her tiny body could not handle the high temperature, which spiked to over 105 degrees.

I have been a complete mess since yesterday. I keep having visions of my baby’s unresponsive body and start to cry uncontrollably. I am nervous to be alone with her in case it happens again. I want to overmedicate her with Tylenol and Motrin to prevent it. I want her to sleep next to me so I can watch her breathe and every twitch and movement. I take her temperature every 5 minutes to make sure it isn’t spiking. I hope this anxiety subsides soon.

I am confident that I did all I could for her yesterday. But that panic and fear when something is wrong with your child is unbelievably scary and traumatizing. I’ve stressed so many times in my life, but every fear is so insignificant in comparison. My daughter is my world and my everything. I know I will eventually be okay. I am thankful to know that she is still my happy and healthy baby girl. But I will never forget this day and this feeling.